The Hair Fondler
Will I ever feel comfortable dating?
The Hair Fondler
Throughout my separation and divorce I amassed a group of friends to help me: single women; married women; divorced women; and widowed women. I became their group project; they helped me create my profile(s), advised me on the subtleties in profiles, explained the subtext of words and actions. It was all so new and overwhelming. I will be forever grateful to my “squad.”
After my first date with the hair fondler, I reported back to my “Gator Gals” (women with whom I work) about the first date and told them I had agreed to a second date. They reassured me that he definitely seemed interested and gave some general advice about how I should dress and how I should handle myself. I was extremely nervous, this was my first “second date” and really only my third or fourth overall date.
Before I knew it, the day had arrived and it was time to go. My stomach was churning, my insecurities exploding, what if he doesn’t show? What if he doesn’t like me after all? What if he’s an ass? No way to know if I don’t go, so off I went.
I had met him on OkCupid. He was cute, funny, and nice. I loved that he had the “obligatory dick pick” and it was a picture of Dick Van Dyke. At the end of the first date we had decided that I would go into Baltimore and meet him there as I got off work earlier then he did, and I enjoy going into the city, so it wasn’t an imposition at all.
We met outside at Max’s TapHouse. He arrived looking a little frazzled, and immediately announced that he had parked in a space but realized he did not have any change, so needed change quickly. I explained that I had none. But I was silently judging him: If this date was important to him, he would have made sure he had change before he left, right? My insecurities bubbled up, and I immediately thought this reflected his lack of interest in me.
Inside the Tap House we ordered, and I began to relax again. Our conversation flowed, and my insecurities quieted. We turned our bar stools toward each other as we spoke and subtly he reached up and played with some strands of my hair. My mind exploded! Why would he do this? I quickly excused myself and hurried to the restroom to get some answers.
Once in the bathroom I immediately texted my Gator Gals, “Help, he just touched my hair, why would he do this? What do I do?”
Their responses came quickly. “relax,” “he’s just trying to show you he likes you,” “are you scared?” “Do you need someone to come?” “If you are uncomfortable, be clear and tell him.”
As I sat there responding rapidly, “I’m not scared.” “I don’t need anyone.” “He’s not being aggressive.” “You’re right, I’ll ask him to stop.” I felt myself relaxing, my nerves calming down. I was ready to return to my seat and continue.
We chatted a little, and then he excused himself. I was relieved that he didn’t try touching my hair anymore. At this point the bartender came over, she asked me if I was okay, that I looked a little nervous. I explained that everything was fine, that I was just new to online dating and still trying to figure everything out. She said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back, and I’ll keep an eye on you.” To this day I am forever grateful to her, just knowing that someone was looking out for me allowed me to relax.
We finished up, and said our goodbyes. Since we parked in different places we said goodbye in front of the bar and walked in different directions. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. When I was younger, a man would always walk a woman to her car, was I being old-fashioned in thinking he should have walked me to my car? Oh well, it was still light out, and I loved walking through the city, so that’s what I did.
The next day my Gator Gals had me reenact the scene and we discussed it. Lauren said, “Maria, you know you have great hair.” And I do. It’s chocolate brown (well, gray now), cut in a shoulder-length 70s shag, and still pretty thick for a woman my age. Often students will ask to touch it, and I do spend time and money keeping it up. My dad used to say it was my lion’s mane, and I guess I get some confidence from it.
Lauren continued, “and, if you and he are vibing, he needs to let you know somehow. You said he wasn’t aggressive, and you didn’t feel threatened. He was just letting you know that he was attracted to you.”
I pondered this for a while and conceded. I did not know what it looked like or felt like to have a man interested in me in a sexual way, and here was the first man to show that interest, and I didn’t know how to react.
For them the bigger issue was him not walking me to the car, but I honestly cannot remember if I told him not to. I very well could have as I do enjoy walking through the city alone. As we dissected the date, and my over the top reaction, I began to feel a little joy. Maybe a man would find me attractive again. It added levity to the whole situation, and we couldn’t stop laughing at the image of me sitting in the bathroom texting them.
I never saw him again. It was not his fault, he texted and tried to continue, but I just wasn’t ready. I was ready for something, but I still hadn’t figured out what it was. I would spend the summer discovering what I wanted and needed.